


tell me why (this chest pains)

by 010302



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Park Jinyoung | Jr.-centric, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-29
Updated: 2019-01-29
Packaged: 2019-10-18 19:41:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17587142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/010302/pseuds/010302
Summary: jinyoung holds on to something that never existed.





	tell me why (this chest pains)

**Author's Note:**

> title from i won't let you go
> 
> mildly inspired by ashley  
> (1-4-3)
> 
> i might end up deleting this but for now, enjoy! sorry this is unbeta'ed ..

go ahead and watch my heart burn  
with the fire that you started in me.

─

jinyoung doesn't know what tears him apart most: the flowers in his lungs or the thoughts in his mind. 

─

he hates that he and yugyeom ended on amicable terms, because that means that he has to smile and nod whenever yugyeom starts talking about his new girlfriend. the bitterness of the alcohol he downs never comes close to the bitterness in his heart, but the worst part is that underneath all of it he is still plagued by the sweet memories they once shared. 

bittersweetness was a concept jinyoung once struggled to understand, but one that he could now effortlessly explain.

in his weakest moments, when the mere thought of yugyeom tears his heart into shreds, he lets jaebeom in. just a bit. just so that jinyoung wouldn't do something stupid, like call yugyeom up again.

"what did you lose?" jaebeom asks quietly one night, after he'd cleaned up the shattered glass fragments and pieces of jinyoung's heart littering the living room floor.

jinyoung doesn't answer, because he didn't lose anything, not really. he was still in contact with yugyeom. he was still yugyeom's favourite hyung.

he changes his mind. the worst part is they were never anything that he could lose. 

ㅡ 

he meets yugyeom's girlfriend. 

he hates that she's good for him. 

she's tall and slender, with large brown eyes. even dressed casually in a sweater and jeans, she catches the eye of everyone in the room.

she's soft spoken and polite, but also mischievous; she smiles brightly at jinyoung when he arrives and banters with yugyeom playfully. yugyeom looks at her lovingly and she leans into his side shyly whenever he compliments her, flushed but pleased. 

she's nothing like jinyoung. the thought hurts.

jinyoung feels like he's about to throw up. his heart hurts and he wants to cry. he sits through maybe an hour of their canoodling before making up an excuse to leave. he stands up abruptly, knocking over a cup of coffee over; the brown liquid spills out and stains his new white shoes, but jinyoung can't bring himself to care.

"hyung!" "jinyoung-ssi!" two similar voices call out at the same time. yugyeom's girlfriend looks genuinely worried for jinyoung, and it makes him even more nauseous. "are you hurt anywhere?" she asks quietly. he shakes his head curtly and all but runs out of the café. 

ㅡ 

two days later, jinyoung coughs up small, tiny petals; daisies. there's a lump in his throat, and he's not sure it's solely from the flowers taking root in his heart. the presence of these flowers only consolidates the fact that his feelings have never been reciprocrated. 

yugyeom loves daisies, and jinyoung loves yugyeom. it's a sick twist of fate, but strangely, jinyoung feels at home for the first time. if whatever higher power has decided that yugyeom was going to be his last loveㅡwho was jinyoung to deny it? it's only a pity yugyeom doesn't love him back, but it's something he'll learn to cope with. he's already started, after all. 

─ 

unsurprisingly, jaebeom finds out first. he says nothing. he only sighs and helps jinyoung up from the toilet floor, before retrieving a broom and cleaning up the mess of petals decorating the floor. 

"aren't you going to ask?" jinyoung rasps. his throat hurts from the effort of forcing the flower petals up, but he's gotten used to it. it doesn't compare to the pain residing in his heart.

jaebeom only glances at jinyoung reproachfully. "if i asked, would you have told me?" his tone is measured, steady, unlike his hands, gripping onto the broomstick tightly, knuckles white. jinyoung opens his mouth to reply, but jaebeom beats him to it.

"you'd never say anything." he says accusingly. jinyoung doesn't bother to defend himself. "even when i'm pleading, even when all of us are dying of worry, you'd never say a single thing." his eyes are alight with a subdued, resigned anger, but jinyoung thinks he sees disappointment in there too. "even when you cut yourself off, at least you used to tell me things. but now you're shutting all of us out!" jaebeom's voice has risen to a yell. he knows it's out of worry, and he knows he's in the wrong, but he flinches anyways. his heart is heavy in his chest, full of the things he keeps to himself. 

"i'm sorry." jinyoung's voice is hoarse, roughed up from the petals earlier, and jaebeom's anger visibly crumbles, crumbles and ebbs away until nothing is left besides worry and sadness, and the love that jinyoung doesn't deserve from him. 

─ 

of course jaebeom tells mark. and after he tells mark, mark lets it slip to jackson, and the cycle continues until all five of them are crashing into his house unannounced, arms laden with takeout and brochures.

jinyoung doesn't know to be sad that yugyeom didn't join them, or to be relieved.

maybe they haven't told him yet.

they sit on jinyoung's couch for dinner, mark and jaebeom pouring over the brochures while bambam tries to wheedle out the identity of the person who planted the flowers in jinyoung's heart.

"please," he pouts, dangling a piece of meat tantalizingly from his chopsticks. "i'll give it to you if you tell me!"

"no." jinyoung snaps, snatching the meat away and ignoring bambam's undignified whine. youngjae and jackson laugh unceremoniously, the four of them cracking up like the old times. the roots don't press as hard into jinyoung's lungs. it's almost easier to breathe. 

until mark clears his throat, and the mood sobers instantly.

"jinyoung, have you-" mark is hesistant with his words, teeth tugging at his lower lip as he searches for a way to phrase his thoughts. youngjae and jaebum seem to know what he's going to ask; they fidget around nervously, glancing at jinyoung furtively "have you considered the surgery?"

he thinks about it. he doesn't need to think about it. 

"i think that i was always meant to love him." jinyoung says slowly, picking his words carefully. the brutal honesty cuts his fragile heart to shreds, and the flowers are clamouring to push past his lips, but he pushes through. these are the things he wishes he said, but never did; these are the things he was so afraid of to admit then, but it spills out of him now, overflowing.

"every memory i have of him, good or bad, i want to keep and treasure. i want to love him till the day i die, and i want to love him beyond that." he wishes he'd said all this back then. he wishes and wishes but wishes don't come true, not for someone like him.

jackson looks at him sadly. "we don't want to watch you die, nyoung." bambam murmurs in agreement, normally bright face downcast. jaebum wraps an arm around mark, who in turn rests a comforting hand on jinyoung's arm.

"perhaps so." jinyoung says softly, throwing his best friends a small, apologetic smile. "but i wouldn't really be alive if i didn't remember him."

he thinks they understand, if the resigned looks on all their faces were anything to go by. 

─ 

they leave sometimes around midnight, trickling away, until mark is the last one to go. he wraps jinyoung in a tight hug, almost as if he wanted to glue jinyoung's broken pieces back together. jinyoung wants it to work. maybe if he hugged yugyeom tight enough, he could glue whatever's left of them back together, start afresh.

as mark leaves the door, he presses a smaller, slightly crumpled booklet into his hands. "there's counselling." mark looks down, and jinyoung sees his thin hands trembling slightly. "maybe it could help you get over them- i'm not saying you have to, of course. but it could help you with a lot more than you think." 

jinyoung realises with a start that mark looks haggard, worn, and that he's seen this expression on all of them. 

he wishes they wouldn't care so much. it makes dying so much more painful.

the guilt forces the flowers up his throat, until he's forcibly swallowing to keep it down and gripping onto the booklet so hard it crumples, like his life. 

─


End file.
